When Forgiveness Isn’t Granted

Have you ever made such a stupid mistake it cost you something or someone important? Your words, actions or even inaction caused such trauma you could not find a way to undo the damage.

I’m pretty heart sick because I’ve recently experienced this first hand. I’ve been struggling, a lot. In a nutshell, I’ve allowed fear and insecurity to rule my emotions. Add a dash of hormones and a pound of stress…I took a dive in the deep end of crazy. It’s cost me dearly.

I want forgiveness so much that’s it’s made me even a little crazier. Goodness help me! But I’ve been blocked, I don’t blame them.

I can’t undo the damage but i can learn from it. I can find the triggers and work on them. I can seek to understand what happened so i don’t repeat the same mistakes. I may never get the forgiveness i seek, but I can certainly make sure I end carrying my baggage into future relationships. Losing someone you love because fear controls you is painful .

Fear says strike first. Love says communicate and understand. Fear says be suspicious. Love says believe in the good you see in front of you. Fear says run. Love says stay. Fear says resent. Love says grace.

In church this morning the pastor nailed my challenge spot on. I struggle to believe I’m loved, that I’m worthy of love. That belief I’m unlovable can become a self fulfilling prophecy. I’ve known this on some level. However, I see it with a clarity I’ve never seen this time. I will when through it so God willing I won’t major this mistake again.

It wont change my today, but maybe this lesson was one I needed to get before the next chapter. It hurts. A lot. But I’m choosing to believe that all things work together for the good. Even the hard stuff, the mistakes, the moments we want to erase.

Before you do or say something that can upend someone important to you remember the following verse. Had I have merit this closer to my heart i would not be morning the loss of someone I value so deeply.

1 Chorinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

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